Part Time Lion

I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had a good day, but today was a good day.

I don’t mind being a second thought, but at least admit that I am.

fistmaster:

By モツ

(via jolyneskujo)

otakukaur:

why can’t I stop laughing :’D

(via enshyacintho)

I’m sick of losing.

I’m sick of being too scared to try anymore because I’m so sick of losing.

I’m sick of how utterly inadequate and repulsive losing makes me feel.

I’m sick of passing up chances because I’m too busy thinking about what awful things would happen if I end up losing.

I’m sick of losing.

  “Maybe…” I started uttering a proposal without really knowing where it would lead. I briefly entertained the notion of keeping quiet and aborting the idea that I was about to unleash into the world, but before I could decide on what to do my mouth decided that it would open. “Maybe I should just give up.” The words that finally came out left a strange, displaced sense of self-dissatisfaction, like that feeling you get when you randomly decide on an empty seat on the bus, only to realize after settling on it that you don’t like it for some unexplainable reason.

“‘Give up’?” He repeated after a brief pause, as if trying to will himself to comprehend the phrase I just mentioned. Despite the fact that the conversation we were just having was progressing not so subtly in that direction, it seemed like he didn’t expect me to make such a monumental suggestion. I looked into his eyes and I could see that he was searching the depths of his own mind for something to say to lighten the mood. I would later know that he ceased this attempt because the next words he fired added another layer of spiritual smog to the already heavy atmosphere.

  “That’s not like you.”

The sheer impact of those words was so great I could literally feel them crashing into my ear canal and violently forcing their way up into my brain. I stood there, stunned for what seemed like an eternity but was actually just about five seconds, before my mouth stirred restlessly on its own again.

  “It’s not?” It was my turn to repeat what he said, before adding, “But I’ve always thought of myself as the type to give up easily.” The words that emerged this time were empty, unsure and weightless, like lost balloons wafting about aimlessly in an emotional miasma.

  “So what?” He challenged my insecurity, stared it down with dagger in hand. “Are you just gonna be a pussy and give up just like that?”

  I had lived long enough and talked to enough people to know that I was being provoked. I let out a hearty laugh and replied, while grinning, “Oh wow, really? Are you gonna go there now?”

  But inside, I knew. As much as I could ignore the taunt, I could not ignore its meaning, I could not ignore its soul. As much as I could lie to others…

I could not lie to myself.

Nope, it’s still here, it’s all here. The everlasting fatigue, the translucent mist of solitude, and the intermittent waves of… Of what? Ennui?

Even though I wonder whether I really deserve what I have right now, at the same time I can’t help but question why I don’t have more.

Have you ever regretted making a supposedly innocuous decision, which later led to a disastrous outcome, even though it seemed like a minor decision and so there was no way you could have known that you would make the wrong one?

Yeah, lots of that right now.

I feel like I’ve been behaving pretty uncharacteristically these past few days.

Let’s see if things look up at the end of the week.

People are selfish. Everybody wants to be happy, even if it costs the happiness of others.

People are stubborn. Since everybody has their own way of thinking, it is impossible for them to understand one another.

People are amoral. Everybody does what they believe is right. But in the end who is the one who decides what is right and what is wrong?